Scared to hope

On hoping….. April, 22, 2005

It sounds crazy. Why am I hoping? I am hoping because He asked me to. Once again, here I sit, knowing that obeying You is the only way to life. Hope is risky, embarrassing, like the one hoping is to be mocked for her stupidity to think that anything in her heart could or should come true. What if I hope for something wrong? I guess you’ve got that covered too.
Romans 8:24-28
For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Likewise, the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

My hoping isn’t wicked or stupid. God isn’t upset that I am hoping for something ridiculous. He isn’t chuckling to Himself over my ignorance. I don’t think He would have taken the time to become a man if He didn’t care about the little things that make me tick, that make me human. His silence doesn’t mean He doesn’t care, or isn’t interested. Silent people don’t always intend disinterest. Why is that my perception? Once again, it’s about trusting, letting go of the reigns of my heart as I allow Him the ability to crush me. I think another brick of my wall might have just fallen. God… I want to give you my desires, I want to verbalize them to You, and then let You “not” speak to me regarding them for as long as You see fit. I don’t want to draw any conclusions in the weeks/months/years I am waiting for you to answer or move. If I could only just do that, I think I would actually hope for a heck of a lot more.

The other thing that is so reassuring about these verses is that as I wait for what I don’t see, the very things that I wait for may not even be right for me. You don’t say… “Hey, get it right girl, stop expecting life to be so perfect all the time, just suck it up and go with the flow.” God I think You are asking me to, in prayer, NOT go with the flow. Put my heart out on the line, and expect You to do stuff that is crazy awesome and crazy good. Your love, Holy Spirit, extends so far as to pray your guts out, to sift through my prayers and hopes and line them up with what God’s perfect will is for my life. What more could I ask for? You want me to lay out all my imperfect requests, and unlike the guy I though You were, who would be all over me for being selfish, You are there to help me get my prayers answered in a way that is going to be for my ultimate good. The question is… do I trust You? Seeing that kind of love for me makes it about impossible not to. I imagine it’s like a dad running beside his girl as she rides her bike without training wheels for the first time.