Steady me Lord!

June 2, 2005
Gooey people. We all have to deal with them. How do we deal with them?
They infiltrate our lives like the grass in my grape hyacinth. If I try to pull it out, I’m pulling out little bulbs with it. Even if I think I get it all, it always creeps back in there, and I’m right back where I started. I have a feeling God has something to do with the placement of hard to handle people in our lives. (I know... she's smart too!)
It is a topic that I don’t like to visit. I don’t like to look at sin in other people’s lives because I know I have so much in my own life to deal with… so I just don’t go there. Not even in prayer though. That’s a problem.

On Sunday at church, there was a life changing moment for me.

CONVICTION
I can hear those of you who know me, laughing already.

I haven’t felt true grief over my sin in such a long time, actually, I only remember one other time where I really grieved over how I messed up my relationship with God, over sin. Most of the rest of the time, I confess without much grief. I am mostly upset at what my sin has cost me, not the damage it does my relationship with God.

So… the scene that was played to illustrate our pastor’s point… was one from Schindler’s List. (of course, I’m not sure what he said after that, because I was so completely overwhelmed by conviction from that point on…) Anyways, the scene was the one where the little girl is wandering the streets as Jews are being shot up all around her, and music is playing in the background while you’re watching all of this, and Schindler and the woman are on two horses. This was the deciding moment for him. Was he going to do anything, or was he going to let it be “their issue”? Was he going to get messily involved, or ride away?

Oh, my heart just breaks over my numbness to the way things are going in my life. I am so brutally numb to the patterns I see in my family, and have been of the mindset that it’s not my issue. I know it’s no comparison to the holocaust, but I guess that large scale correlation is what it took for me to open my eyes up.
God urged me to begin by praying and being angry over the sin of complacency and apathy that is in my life and against the sin of rebellion in my family's life. I'm in there too! I have to start caring though. I can’t just walk on, keep believing, keep praying that things will get better…. I have to start looking to the future and seeing the legacy that is being handed to my children. I don't want to make the Hezekiah mistake and just be content with the status quo in my life, if it means my children will be paying the price for my selfishness.
Up until this point I have been completely unwilling to allow God to reign in this area. If truth is going to cause explosion, or unfamiliar road for myself, or the possibility of more friction, I have not been willing to speak it. If and when God has asked me to speak out, He usually needs to use a neon billboard to get my attention. I haven’t been willing to even pray about this, but I feel Him asking me to surrender this land that I don’t even know. It’s like I've bought a plot out in some remote area that I haven't even walked on or seen. I don’t know that I want to be building a condo on it or anything, … but here I am, and God is asking me to give Him ownership of it, no matter what is lurking there.

I know I am not the only one to walk this road.

I am so scared though. I don’t want to act out of my flesh, because HELLO… I am a sinner. I mess up. I don’t know how to do this one right. I want more than anything to walk right. I want to walk blameless. I am afraid of what will happen if I don't have that as my defense. OH YUCK!!! All that is.... is sin, packaged up with a nice bow, but rotting inside, full of my filthy righteous rags. Standing still, and not moving forward, is separating me from realizing the power of God though, it IS blocking our intimacy. I just hunger for more of Him; He is drawing me into “big girl” obedience.

Here’s truth
Jude 17-25
But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. And on some have compassion, making a distinction; but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling. And to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.


He says He can keep me from stumbling. Oh, God, where is my faith? I know we aren’t playing little Jesus games here. This is big time. You’ve asked me for the doozie in the trust department. I can trust you with a lot of things, but this one is not going easily.
It’s back to Saul again. Will I trust you to come to my aid when I am in a pit and there are millions of Philistines waiting to take me out? Will I wait the last few hours for “Samuel” to show up and not act out of my own fear and flesh? Will I walk this out in faith, in the Holy Spirit? Will I place myself in the stream of the love of God, so that the force of His current will take me where He wants me to go? Am I interested in looking for His mercy, not only for myself but for those who hurt me? Will I learn to hate sin like He does?

The song that comes to my heart right now is the one that goes…

Where the Spirit of the Lord is…
There is freedom.
Lift your eyes to heaven,
There is freedom….

Jesus reigns in this place,
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on every place.
There is freedom

2 Corinthians 3:17-18
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.

Thank you Jesus,
You are bringing me into new free territory. Thank you that you have already plotted out my pathway before me. I only need to walk in Your steps. Thank you that You lead me beside the still waters, You restore my soul. My hope is in You. You are with me, in the valley and on the mountain top. You know my standing and sitting, when I go out and when I am coming home. In my dark places, You are there. You are familiar with “my ways”, and know how I operate, and that doesn’t stop you from working with this lump of clay. Lord thank you that I can trust You, You set all that was safe and all that was “You” aside, to save me. We are all nothing without You. We are all stinky and corrupt without Your touch. Thank you for putting Your will into the Father’s hands when You knew it would cost You everything in order to save this girl and a million others like me that are but dust. Thank You for loving us that much.